This Week's Q&A

On the topic of asking ourselves questions, I had 2 big ones for myself this week. The question "What the heck am I going to do when I graduate in May?!" remains unanswered. However, the other question "Is my faith worth fighting for?" as been answered with a nice strong "yes."

Here's the story.

A year ago this week I went one of the Kairos retreats that BC organizes several times each year. You're only allowed to go once, and the demand is so long that you put your name on a waiting list and are entered into a lottery. I signed up my first year and was drawn the second year. It was a Catholic retreat, and most of my experiences of Catholicism were lukewarm at best. My mom is a crazy conservative Catholic (C cubed) and after her countless admonitions of "be a good girl!" and "God doesn't like that" I half expected her to be a guest speaker. Still, I let myself be talked into going by my boyfriend at the time, who had gone a few years prior. I got on the bus, miserable and reluctant to talk to anyone.

Needless to say, since I'm bothering to write this, the next 3 days were not at all what I expected. If you know anyone who's been on Kairos you know there's a "big secret" that nobody ever talks about with people who haven't gone. It sounds cultish and scary, but believe me when I say that that "big secret" was the most moving experience of my life. I'd love to detail it here, but in case this is ever read by someone who's going on the retreat (It's a widespread thing, not just BC) I don't want to spoil it. I will say, however, that I've never felt as spiritual as I did during that weekend and the following few weeks. Even then I wasn't a big fan of any organized religion, not just Catholicism, but I still had faith, and it bloomed on that retreat.

After the weekend was over the leaders asked us to write letters to ourselves that they would deliver in 1 year. My memory stinks and I totally forgot about it until today, when a letter came from Campus Ministry. That was odd, what would Campus Ministry want with me? Inside was another envelope addressed to me.... by me.

Cara,
When you feel like staying in bed would have been easier than getting through the day, think of what the world would have been like without you and find meaning for your life in the knowledge that other peoples' lives would have been very different without you. In the way of "It's a Wonderful Life", picture your parents never having you for a daughter. Your mom would've been without a kid in the house for 4 extra years. She wouldn't be able to brag about you to everyone she knows. Your dad wouldn't have had to learn to show emotion and love. Pete might not have found a reason to be as strong and make as many changes as he has. His parents wouldn't feel as though they had gained a daughter. Lance would have no healthy competition. Your grandparents wouldn't have a granddaughter at all. Emily wouldn't have incentive to get up early and run. She wouldn't have the feeling of constant friendship and companionship that she has with you. Jon may not have learned how to care about another person for years. Tante Irene wouldn't have someone to share her pain with and empathize with.

You have made so much progress. Don't stop now. Life is what you make of it, and you have the potential, strength, and intelligence to make it amazing. Take nothing for granted. Love. Think. Feel. Question your path constantly and be sure to always be on the road you need to be on. Volunteer, go abroad, and remember that rushing through life is such a waste of the short time we are given. Show those you love that you love them and be thankful every day that they love in you return. Be the beautiful, kind, considerate, intelligent woman you have always been. Be yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself as God loves you.

Stay strong,
you

I don't tend to believe in coincidence, so I definitely don't believe it's a coincidence that my 1 year anniversary of Kairos, the re-reading of this letter, my conversation with Jason, and my friend Emily's conversations about faith with one of her friends, all happened within 2 days. How else to explain it except that God wanted to show me that he's not just the distant clockmaker I've come to imagine.