Getting Burned

I've been thinking about home a lot recently... my NH bubble. I keep wishing I felt the way I did the summer before college when I would spend every day at work with my friends, and every evening at someone's house or at the lake just talking. I miss having that one person you can always talk to about anything. I guess for me that's God, now, but I'm not spiritual enough to hear what he says back. I keep listening to "Hold me now" by Kirk Franklin, and even though it makes me feel better I still wish I had that concrete someone who would just sit beside me and listen and understand.

Somebody told me that You would wash all my sins
And cleanse me from the scars that are so deep within
So I'm calling to You, if You can hear me I don't know how
I was wondering can You hold me now
You are the only one that's patient when I fall
Your angels come to save me every time I call
You don't laugh at me when I make mistakes and cry
You're not like man
You understand me...
Don't you worry God is faithful and He cares
About the tears you cry and the pain you feel, He's there
When you are weak, that's when He's strong
Even though you don't know how
God can and He will hold you now

I'm at one of the many forks in the road of life where you can only see a few miles down each path and it's hard to decide which one to take. I feel like I'm just floating around without a purpose or a goal. There's always some excuse not to do something, and I've let those excuses get the best of me. I should be volunteering more than I do...or I should take a year off between undergrad and grad school and work for Americorps. Or maybe I'm on the right track after all, and going straight into a master's program is the right choice because I can start doing social work a year sooner. Or maybe I should stay on the med school track and changing my career path is the easy way out. Maybe I should be single for once, and cut all ties to my past and do Peace Corps abroad for 2 years like I always think about doing. Maybe if my friends could talk to me the way I need them to they'd help me figure it out. Maybe if I could hear the other side of my conversations with God I'd know what I was supposed to do.

Or maybe I still do have the relationships I thought I lost in NH. Maybe I can still talk to those people, or my college friends, the way I need to. Maybe they would understand after all if I would just let them in. But it's like running your hand through the fire after you've already been burned a bunch of times. It seems stupid to do it again, when past experience tells you you'll just get burned. Each day that I pass by the fire without reaching in is a day I lose. Maybe it's time to risk getting burned again.

Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
Don't wait, Don't wait
The lights will flash and fade away
The days will pass you by
Don't wait
To lay your armor down